


DAVE/JADE: ATTEMPT PROCREATION

by CidGregor



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-10
Updated: 2011-06-10
Packaged: 2017-10-20 07:27:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/210237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CidGregor/pseuds/CidGregor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave And Jade have consensual sex for the purpose of procreation. Or at least, they try to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	DAVE/JADE: ATTEMPT PROCREATION

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a prompt at homesmut, the Homestuck kink meme on LiveJournal. Enjoy.

The first time Dave Strider had sex with Jade Harley, it was strictly business.

Well, okay, that was a lie. There had definitely been pleasure involved in their motivations, or at least in his. But pleasure wasn’t the primary objective of their maiden venture into intercourse. Of that he was made immediately and painfully aware when, amidst a flurry of teenage post-Sburb make-outs on the edge of Jade’s bed, while Dave took a moment to retrieve his glasses from wherever they’d been knocked to, he heard Jade heave a tense sigh, dodge his gaze, and tell him in the most stiff, formal, and barely stable voice she could manage:

“You know, we, um…we should probably have sex.”

 _Clack. Clack-clack. Clack-clack-clack-k-k-k._

His shades hitting the ground were gunshots through the silence.

 _“What.”_ His voice was as flat as his stare.

He watched Jade try not to blush, struggle to maintain her odd act of disconnected forced-calm. And he could certainly tell it was just that, an act. “It’s really just the logical thing to do at this point. The game’s been over for a while now, we have our new universe and we’re all settled into it, everyone else is gone, and paradox space expects US to repopulate the species. The longer we wait to start…y’know…repopulating…the worse off we’ll be overall. We should probably start having as many kids as possible.”

Any preliminary boner Dave may have gotten at her initial suggestion sunk like a rock. “…You can’t fucking be serious.”

“Do I sound like I’m joking?” Jade countered.

“I sure as shit hope you are.”

Jade gave him a little huff and a pout, almost as though offended. “I’m not you or Rose, you know! Sass and sarcasm isn’t my main language! SOME of us actually say exactly what we mean!”

“Alright, alright, no need to get snippy about it!” Dave interjected, waving his hands in a gesture of bringing it down a notch. “But Jesus, Harley, there’s better ways to get into a bro’s pants than announcing you want his babies--OW!”

“I’m being serious, Dave!” she insisted, her fist drawing back from where it struck his shoulder. “This is, like, really important stuff here!”

“Right, important, sure…” he muttered, not entirely paying attention because fuck, his shoulder was smarting now.

“It is! Dave, do you realize that the four of us are the ONLY human beings left alive, anywhere, ever? If we DON’T start having kids, we’ll go extinct!”

“And that matters to me personally…why?”

“Oh, now you’re just being argumentative.”

“No, really, explain to me why it’s so goddamn vital to repopulate humanity. Most people suck.”

“Darn it, Dave, don’t pull that ‘I don’t give a shit’ act, I know you, you’re just…hiding behind it ‘cause you’re scared of the responsibility!”

“Yeah, well so’re you.”

He watched Jade blanch in shock, and felt a grim smirk of victory cross his face. “What! That’s completely ridiculous, I’m not scared!” she protested/

“Like fuck you’re not. Maybe I’m the one who can see through YOUR act.”

“I’m not--!”

“Sure you are. You’re pretending to be all formal and proper and basically channeling Rose so you can be cold and logical about it to cover up how much the idea of being responsible for the survival of the whole fucking species scares the shit out of you.”

He already knew he was right, of course, but even so it was nice to see confirmation when her face rapidly went from pale back to flushed. “That…that’s not…!”

“It totally is.”

Jade huffed and pouted at him again. “Okay, so maybe it is pretty scary, but that doesn’t make any of the stuff I said any less true!”

“Why the hell do WE have to do anything? John’s the one with all the ectobiology and diversifying the gene pool shit going for him, let him and Rose worry about it.”

“They already are!”

Dave froze momentarily. “…What?”

“Yeah, that’s right, Dave! John and Rose are actually acting like grownups and owning up to our responsibilities!”

Fuck. Well that hadn’t been what he’d expected when he brought it up. “No way. No fucking way are they already hitting the sack.”

“Why do you think it occurred to me?”

“…Oh my fucking god, you actually TALKED about that shit with them?!”

“With Rose, yes! She’s really been encouraging everyone to be open and honest about it. And she said her and John have already started working on it! Like, a MONTH ago!”

Goddamnit. That hadn’t just been a misstep, that had backfired spectacularly. Egbert – fucking EBGERT, destined for LALONDE, a fucking odd-ass couple if there ever was one – was getting laid before he was. He had always felt a sort of competitive streak between him and John despite being best bros, and it had always nagged at him that even though he was the Knight of Time and had spent triple what John and the others had in the game, John had always been a step ahead of him. Sometimes several steps. And apparently now here he was again, making moves and bedding broads before Dave could. It was a fucking insult.

Jade of course could read all this like a book without his glasses to shield him and immediately played it for all it was worth. “Does that bug you, Dave? John’s already way ahead of you again. Are you gonna stand for that? Hm? You gonna let him win?”

Cunning bitch. She was learning from Lalonde. Damn her and her amateur psychology. Of course he didn’t want to be left in the dust by a dork like Egbert.

Then again…no. No, he didn’t like where that chain of thought was leading, he didn’t want to play that game. Not with this. Not with Jade.

“Nice try, Harley, but it ain’t gonna work.”

“You suuuuuuuure? It doesn’t bother you even a little that--”

“No, just, stop, okay?” he cut her off with sudden and pointed firmness. “I’m not going to make a fucking race out of getting under your skirts. You’re a couple of awesome friends, not baby factories. Fuck, I should kick John’s ass, thought he’d know to treat chicks with a little goddamn respect.”

Jade recoiled in surprise, blinking through her oversized glasses at him, and was much calmer when she next spoke. “…Wow, Dave, I…didn’t think it mattered THAT much to you.”

“…Yeah, well…surprise, I actually give enough of a shit about you to not go humping your face off at the drop of a hat.”

The bedroom was quiet for several excruciating moments. Damnit. He hated having to get serious like this. It always seemed to happen during an argument of some sort, and no matter how nice and non-argumentative the things he said actually might have been, it always made him feel guilty that he had to get that serious in the first place. Like he’d done something really wrong, and that dropping the ironic cool-kid bit was the only way to make amends. Which, in this case, meant admitting…

“Dave…” Jade finally broke the silence, “that’s really sweet…but this is still important. We have to make sure the species survives. I know it’s a big responsibility, but--”

“It’s not THAT responsibility that’s scary.”

This seemed to legitimately surprise Jade again. “…it isn’t?”

“Fuck no. I mean yeah, okay, you’re right, it’s a big thing and it’d suck if humans went kaput, but it’s not like spawning a bunch of kids is gonna be HARD, once we get around to it.”

“Well then what are you freaking out about so much?”

“…Maybe I’m a little concerned about the possibility of being a really shitty dad, alright?”

“…You’re WHAT? Dave, that…that is SO silly, you’ll make a GREAT dad!”

“I don’t have a fucking clue how, I never saw a damn parent in that house…”

“Hey, come on, Dave, your bro was basically your dad--”

“Yeah, and look how fucked up I turned out.”

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous, you turned out _fine…_ ” she reached over while he wasn’t looking and he felt her cup his cheeks and aim his gaze straight at her. “Dave, being a parent is always a big challenge, and lots of people worry that they won’t be good at it…but they still figure it out in the end. Your brother had a bit of a…unique style, sure, but he always provided for you and took care of you and made you into a really strong cool person in the end!”

“…Trying to relax me with flattery now?”

She smiled her stupidly cute buck-toothed smile and goddamnit it was hard not to admit it was fucking adorable. “Hehe…maybe a little.”

Dave couldn’t help but flash a hint of a smile back at her. “…You’re actually seriously delusional enough to think a jackass like me would be a good dad?”

“Absolutely,” she said and smiled again, but this time in more of a hesitantly hopeful fashion. “Do…you think I’d be a good mom?”

“I dunno, you had a pretty fucked up childhood too. Sure you aren’t going to leave the kid on a tropical island to be raised by a fucking dog at six years old?”

“Daaaaaaaave…!”

He smirked a little at her soft whine. “Okay, okay…yeah, you’d fucking own at the whole ‘mom’ thing.”

“Really?”

“You bet your ass you would. All the shit you had to teach yourself growin’ up’d put a grown man to shame. Kids’ll be fuckin’ geniuses by the time you’re through with ‘em.”

“Awww…Dave, that’s so sweet…thank you.”

“No sweat, Harley.” Dave gave her his most suave smile, and she threw that adorable smile of hers back at him, and suddenly the idea of hopping in bed and getting straight to the babymaking didn’t sound like nearly so daunting a task anymore. Still pretty daunting, but at least it was a lot less so now. She too looked a lot less stressed by the idea; the stiff mask and formal posture that accompanied her initial suggestion were largely gone, and although she seemed no less nervous, it seemed like it was at least a manageable sort of nervous.

“…So…?” she ventured again.

“Alright, alright, jeez, if you want me to knock you up that badly I’ll do it. But I won’t enjoy it.”

His deadpan expression was as flawless as ever, even without his glasses to shield him, but Jade giggled anyway. She pulled him into a kiss, broken only by the discarding of their shirts, and fell back onto the bed together.

Dave was a grunter.

Jade was a biter.

The sex was terrible.


End file.
